Have you noticed how important it feels when you find out you’re related to someone you’ve just met? Or that you have something in common – like you grew up in the same area. We even watch total strangers to work out who’s related to who.
So chances are you notice adults who are walking together, or who are exchanging glances, because that suggests they’re related. But the real give-away is whether they touch. Think how reluctant you are to touch a stranger – in a lift for example. Touching in public’s a ‘tie sign’ that identifies all sorts of relationships. From the simple handshake that starts a business discussion, to the ‘public display of affection’ that pinpoints courting couples.
But the rules for touching vary enormously, which means it’s risky to touch anyone without knowing the local customs!
For example, people touch more in cultures which have a strong sense of tradition. Where everyone knows exactly how and when to touch. Examples are the Middle East, Asia, much of Africa, France and South America.
By contrast, in cultures such as America that value plain speaking over more traditional values, people tend to touch less for fear of giving offence.
So touching’s rare in the UK and the Netherlands compared to Italy and Greece. Puerto Ricans touch far more than Germans. In high touch countries a kiss on the cheek is a polite greeting, while in Sweden for example, it might offend. In many countries – including here – two men holding hands is a sign of friendship, while in the United States it would be seen as a symbol of homosexuality.
The rules even differ from one part of a country to another. So a touch on the ‘public’ areas of the body – the hand, arm, shoulder or back – is acceptable in most of the USA. But not between Ohio and the Rockies! The rest of the body’s almost universally considered out of bounds, except within a relationship. Or in bars and night-clubs.
Touching even varies within families. Like there’s more touching between children and their same sex parents for example, and there’s less touching as children grow older. Boys in particular distance themselves from their parents sooner than girls.
Women like men who touch, but what really interests them is the way men touch other men! It’s because women assign a higher social status to men who touch others compared to those who don’t. Women also prefer men who demand the most social space, so when a woman comes into a bar, interested men move their drinks apart to signal their ‘territory’ to her!
And it’s touch that gets you from that first date to intimacy! From those first gestures that invite your date to come closer, and say that you’d like to touch. Like reaching your hand across the table. That ‘accidental’ first contact – which your date can either accept or reject with a slight body movement without causing offence. As the trust and confidence between you builds, you find yourself touching more and more – and before you know it you’re in a relationship…
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