It’s easy to believe that happy couples are just luckier than the rest of us. Maybe better suited to one another, richer, or leading a stress free life. But those are never the reasons. Life throws just the same frustrations at them as everyone else. Being happy together as a couple isn’t luck, it’s a triumph. Of hard work – and knowledge. Because happy couples know a few things that unhappy couples don’t…

They’ve learned a whole raft of small skills that make all the difference between happiness and misery. And you can learn them too. You only have to be willing, and if you are, your marriage is likely to be much happier in future.

For example, happy couples have a habit of constantly reminding each other of nice moments they’ve shared. They make the little gestures, jokes or compliments that diffuse a row. So that even when things get tough, they’re able to hold onto a sense of perspective about their relationship.

They also know that some conflicts can’t be resolved. Perhaps because they’re rooted in fundamental differences in personality or values. Successful couples learn to accept these differences and live with them, rather than getting trapped in endless battles.

They learn to share their thoughts honestly with one another, without criticising. And they recognise the difference between telling the truth and insisting on telling everything. Sometimes it’s better to gloss over the fact you don’t like his mother’s cooking for example. It’s not always true anyway is it? So saying things like ‘I’ve never liked it!’ isn’t entirely right in any case. So successful couples often keep their thoughts to themselves, rather than create a situation from nothing.

Happy couples also tend to spend a lot of time together – and not necessarily on ‘dates’. They do the chores together, eat together and tend to go to bed at the same time. They make sure that for at least some of this time they’re alone together, so they can talk over important matters. They also schedule longer times alone together – like a whole day or even a weekend. Nothing expensive – maybe just a day when the kids go to see grandma. But that time together gives them the chance to unwind and reconnect.

Happy couples have also figured out that sex isn’t everything! Psychologists have long known that there’s no connection between the number of times a couple have sex and their happiness. But there is a strong link between happiness and physical intimacy. And that includes a lot more than sex. So happy couples tend to see affection and sex as two separate activities, so that kissing and cuddling don’t have to lead to the bedroom. Happy couples touch a lot more than unhappy couples – but in briefer and non-sexual ways. Just a touch as they pass one another. A caress at the kitchen sink. They seek every opportunity to be physically close, and invariably sit closer together than less successful couples.

Because being affectionate is more important than anything else you do if you want to be happy together. Including all the hours you devote to your children and your job. It isn’t that you don’t have the time. It’s just that you’re using it for something else.

So don’t feel you have to make love every time you’re alone together. Just talk, enjoy each other’s company – but do also practice being seductive! Be attentive, affectionate, and let your partner know your intentions. And in a long standing relationship, at least try to respond to every approach. In fact successful couples always seem to have a whiff of intimacy in the air around them – a little teasing and the hint of possibilities later.

Happy couples are also more sensitive to each other. Especially if one is feeling down or grumpy, perhaps after a bad day at work for example. So if that happens, the other makes a special effort to lift their partner’s mood. With a more intimate greeting for example. Or by being willing to listen to a tale of how awful the boss has been.

Few of us work at relationships like that though. Or consciously try to develop the skills we need to be successful in a couple. But you should, because they really do make a difference. Happiness isn’t about luck. It’s a decision. To learn the skills that hold you together…

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