We’re forever greeting people. Each in our own special ways. But there’s a universal underlying pattern. Which lets everyone know what’s expected of them. And what each person’s likely to do next. In fact, just by watching people greet each other you can tell lots about them. And how they feel about each other.
Greetings often start when we’re quite a long way apart – although only between people of similar status. Posh people tend to ignore us! But close family members and lovers start waving, making big smiles, laughing and even shouting. Wide eyes and open mouth – a bit like we look when we’re surprised. Acquaintances are usually more discrete. A raised eyebrow. A tight smile. A nod maybe, or a raised hand. And signs of embarrassment as they draw near to one another. Touching the hair. Adjusting clothes. Glancing about. Maybe not even approaching directly. But lovers and the like rush together, maybe even running, with their attention fixed firmly on each other. And everyone sends ‘getting-ready’ signals that say whether they want to embrace, kiss, shake hands or whatever. You can almost always tell exactly what people are going to do by the time they actually get together!
Once they do meet, the actual greetings generally fall into two types. Greetings of respect, which are intended to emphasis differences in power, and greetings between equals which do exactly the opposite. Time was when people lowered their bodies before their superiors, who just looked on. Kneeling, curtseying or bowing. In some societies, the bow was actually away from the other person! Which reveals it’s primitive origin – presenting the rump as a gesture of submission.
These days when we meet we mostly shake hands. It’s a ‘symmetrical’ greeting – unlike a bow – because both people take part. But that’s not to say there aren’t a lot of differences in exactly what happens. Like who starts the handshake. Whether it’s accompanied by a smile or words. How each hand’s presented. How many shakes. Who’s in control and so on. And all these differences have a big subconscious impact on the shakers – and the people watching…
Like people who squeeze too hard are showing they’re in control. While anyone who offers you a limp handshake, is implying they’re not connecting to you at all. Not focussing on you. Passive and detached. It’s often done by people who feel important. Or who shake hands with lots of people. Like Chairman Mao, who’s handshake is supposed to have been particularly limp. And Mike Tyson. His is typical of people whose handshake draws attention to their strength, while women often offer limp hands to emphasise their femininity. And it’s also common in particular cultures – like parts of West Africa.
People who are extroverted and expressive – and women who are open to new experiences – tend to give firm handshakes. Neither too strong nor too weak, with the fingers wrapped round the other’s hand. Neurotic or shy people rarely shake hands firmly – and some people just won’t let go! That’s also a control thing. As is the reinforced handshake. It’s particularly common in some cultures – and among politicians. Where the shaker takes the other person’s hand in both of theirs. Or grips their forearm, upper arm or shoulder. People who do this are saying they’re in charge of the relationship – and are also expressing commitment to the other person. Whether they’re being sincere or not is another matter…
Politicians are particularly good at ‘getting the upper hand’. Yes really! Whoever manages to get their hand on top in a handshake gains an advantage – though neither person may be consciously aware of it. But the top hand makes that person feel more dominant – and people who’re watching get the same impression. Politicians also like being on the right when shaking hands in front of the cameras. So that their whole hand is in view. And they like to be the one taking the initiative. Reaching forward. So they look confident and assured, and their ‘opponent’ appears cautious and tense.
Hugs are interesting. Full frontal hugs say two people really want to express their affection for one another – and that they’re not worried about what other people think of them. But watch more carefully. Maybe one of the two isn’t quite so keen as the other. Then they’ll lean forward a little – so that their pelvises don’t quite meet. Forget the rest of the hug. It’s whether their bottom halves meet that tells the real story! In fact, if two people are really attached to one another, it’s their lower halves that will meet first in a hug…
Kissing varies so much between cultures and families, that it’s hard to tell much about what’s going on. But watch for kisses on the cheek that end up in the air – maybe even the cheeks don’t meet! People who are uncomfortable about physical contact do this sort of thing – and of course women who don’t want to disturb their make up! Beware people who vocalise vacuum kisses too – the ‘Mwah’! This seems to make the kiss more real and affectionate – but actually it means the noisy one’s subconsciously distancing themselves from the kiss by mocking it…
And so to parting.
Imagine. You’re having a drink in a bar with a close friend. And it’s getting late. Time to go. So you steal a glance at your watch. Subconsciously start reducing the ‘uh-huhs’ as you talk. Nodding your head and putting your hands on the arms of your chair. All cues to your partner that you’re thinking of leaving – and that you should co-ordinate your ‘departure schedule’. So neither of you’s disappointed. After all, you both want the meeting to come to a successful end – and to ensure that no-one’s upset by the farewell. Sending subtle signals that you’re going means it isn’t a surprise. And of course you talk about leaving – in ways which reassure your partner that the end of the evening doesn’t mean the end of the relationship. Like justifying your departure: ‘must get back to the children…’. Promising another occasion: ‘let’s meet next week…’ and expressing gratitude: ‘great evening…!’.
Watching couples depart is great fun. Seen the yo-yo dance? Each takes a step apart. And then back. And again. And again. It’s their friendship and departure messages conflicting – until eventually they start sending ‘I’m going right now’ signal…
Usually by smoothing the back of their hair. ‘cus both know it’s their back the other person will see as they turn away… Women often pull down jumpers and smooth their skirt over their behind. Dead give-aways that they want to leave – and the impression they want to leave behind!
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